Detox aka Hell That You Pay For

I blame Living Social. They sucked me in with their "London/New Year New You/Juice Detox" offer and I really wanted to do it. I foolishly told myself that "cleanses are awesome" and "it's a fresh start from all the scones you've been downing" and "just forget about the last one you did four years ago and how you couldn't feel your hands and how you fell asleep at 8:00p because you were so weak". I stupidly convinced myself of all those things and this is how the London Detox went down:

DAY ONE

*note- I started my day off with a Zzzquil hangover, hence the late wakeup time*

11:00a: Wake up - let's get this ish STARTED!

11:05a: Yum,  these smoothies are actually really good!

11:22a:  I’m hungry.

12:07p:  I wonder if chocolate is allowed during this detox.

12:07 + 30 sec: Nope, they say no.

2:00p: Just brushed my teeth for the 2^nd time today. I would kill for a mint sandwich.

2:14p: Have to go buy gum. Not technically allowed during cleanses since apparently chewing gum warms up your stomach (scrimmage?) so you can prepare to eat. Which, if this is true, explains A LOT about my eating habits.

2:23p: Almost attacked the girl in the elevator with McDonalds. Not a proud moment.

4:17p: Have to have my next smoothie 13 min early. Sue me, detox people!

4:18p: Looking at the “superfood packet” that I’m supposed to mix into my juice. What the hell is      rosehip?? Afraid to google.

4:19p: Just googled- Most recently made popular by providing RODENTS with Vitamin C.

4:19 + 30 sec: …oh and it’s basically awesome for human beings.

6:01p: I feel like my bones are cracking more than usual...

6:02p: However, I also feel really focused when I’m reading. Who needs bones?

8:11p: DID SOMEONE IN THIS BUILDING JUST ORDER A PIZZA?

8:56p: Just typed in Blooger instead of Blogger and am DYING. Delirium is officially setting in.

10:00p: Going to bed earlier than normal to forget what I’m doing to myself.

Upside: Low enough energy where I don’t have to take my zzzquil tonight to fall asleep! 

Downside: I don’t get to take my zzzquil.

DAY TWO:

10::47a: Slept great actually! Not too hungry this morning, so maybe it’ll be better today?

11:18a: Nope.

12:24p: Starting to think I wouldn’t have survived the Dust Bowl.

1:13p: Guys, I’m serious. I smell garlic bread.

3:23p: Not even paying attention to the provided schedule anymore- just poppin open smoothies to try and keep myself from chewing on my sweatshirt.

4:10p: Bartering (with myself) has begun… “If I stop now, I PROMISE I’ll go make a huge salad and that’ll be my dinner….pre-dinner…side dish. UGH PLEASE?”

4:13p: Ran into a roommate in the kitchen and nonchalantly tried to get her to convince me to stop.

4:27p: Helpful tip from the website: :If you’re hungry, keep drinking tea. THANKS A BUNCH, LIFE RUINERS.

4:29p: Tea is helping.

4:54p: That’s it- I can't do it. I’m off to cook some food (VEGETABLES OK?!). The rest of the smoothies will make a delicious pre-breakfast breakfast.

SUCK IT CLEANSERS!

P.S. Does anyone know where I can watch the Superbowl tomorrow and put my face into a plate of jalapeno poppers?

*UPDATE: I did not cook vegetables. I ordered Indian Food like a champ.